Mindfulness Though The Fire

How could I possibly write on "Mindfulness" when I am a student learning the way - A practice that challenges my mind everyday.

Learning to be patient with myself and the healing process of a challenging autoimmune disease has taken years. It’s funny what encourages us towards mindfulness in our lives. For some it was built in at birth for others it’s born out of suffering. Buddist teacher, Thich Nat Han says, "To know great joy is to know great suffering. To know great suffering is to know great joy." It wasn't obvious to me to become more awake with what was happening to me. For 1/2 of my life I was mainly seeing doctors, getting prescriptions, taking tons of a pills, or going to the hospital and having drugs administered intravenously and then I'm done - I’m out mentally and physically - just handing over my health thinking someone else will just take care of it. I grew up in a volatile and abusive home. I lived in a constant state of fight or flight. It took a toll. Then eating disorders, stress, food allergies and the effects of all of these were happening to me - overwhelmed I got stomach aches that led to many - that led to an emergency hospitalization which led to the world of doctors and meds. Well good news is these are the makings of some good stand-up comedy - When I was 13 my mother took me to diet center in Chappaqua I lost 50 pounds my mother said "not thin enough! I can still see you!" Over the years I’ve wrestled with taking drugs as it didn't feel authentic. I wanted so much to believe I didn't need them and I could heal myself. How could I be mindful and present when engulfed in the flames of pain? When being with myself was the last place I wanted to be?