July 25th 2022 Monday morning……….I have some time to myself and there are so many things I enjoy doing in solitude I become scattered so I’ve decided to get focused and connect to myself and with you! I am back “home” I was away with James/Leo for 5 days in the mountains of upstate NY. It was so good to be in nature to experience such profound peace. It was amazing because we were both able to just be and experience the place. I noticed how relaxed I was able to be and how much I was able to let go and be in the moment. All the effects of a meditation practice I started years ago. It was sacred the breeze, the water I swam in, the forrest, the animals I saw and didn’t see and on and on…. all of it. I felt fulfilled by the beauty and peace. We drank spring water from the faucet and it was delicious. We made meals of local vegetables we got and they were delicious. We lucked out and were there during a heat wave so back home - only 2 hours south - was 10 degrees hotter averaging 100 most days we were gone. I found a book at the rental house and I was amazed I took to reading it. I have been into breath work but Im totally self taught going on intuition and instinct. I Once watched a 3-4 minute video on how to practice Vipassana Meditation years ago and that was all I needed to get going. But many years ago when I began a Yoga practice I would have visions once in Shivasana. I would see and feel myself dematerialize part into the ethers and part into the earth - becoming one with earth and sky and I felt free but connected to Source. Ive had many visions throughout the years some Ive written down many gone. Im glad I wrote some down since I teach a guided meditation class now Im able to use them to help people let go and feel expansive beyond the container of the body. I haven’t read a book in so many years now and I honestly dont remember the last book I finished. Probably a memoir - I think it was Moby’s book. I am drawn to Meditation and Buddhism and I can see how seeds were planted in me as a kid. My “father” although a narcissist, was into Asian culture and especially Asian women. So weather he got into Buddhism to impress the ladies or for his own self I dont know but he did have some books around about it and some cassette tapes with chanting. I was so young but impressionable. When I was 14 - 15 I moved into the neighbors house - the Osheowitz’s - they lived in The Round House, a Frank Lloyd Wright original that was made of stone and glass and circular in shape. The abuse and neglect was so bad at “home” I left. Maria took me in. Her daughter Melita and I became inseparable. Maria meditated. She did retreats at Kripalu. It was the 1980’s. She did a silent retreat and told me a few things about it. I listened. She told me about being quiet, about being mindful and present. About how many times she’d chew her food before swallowing it. Although I lived with them I was not part of them not part of the clan. I knew I was on borrowed time as a guest. And then later in life I learned something that had a big impact on me. I learned that my great grandfather Benjamin my “mothers” grandfather became a devout Buddhist while in a concentration camp. The family later received his things and it was in his journals and books. He was killed in the camp but while there did the most powerful thing a human being can do - find peace beyond the mind and circumstance by mindfully breathing. I feel even when I write this profoundly amazed and deeply moved. He is my ancestor and while all the others I know of were violent types, my “grandfather’, my “father’s” “father” was in the Jewish Mafia a dishonest violent narcissist, I have Benjamin a beacon of light I carry with me in my DNA - he lives in me and when I think of him I feel strong again. So that’s enough for today. Was great to be here tho and share some thoughts and things with you. Peace 2 All xo Lyss Fern Sequoia
The Views ~ The Hues
Sunday ~ Slept on and off because of AC and fan adjustments but Jim said I slept thru some really loud fireworks. I forced myself to stay in bed and linger in the hopes or chance of getting even more sleep even tho I knew I had to get up and get ready to lead my guided meditation today at the studio. Once up, we were kinda hot and sluggish and pounding coffee I breathed thru saying anything that was in my mind, just being present and peaceful for Jim and for myself - no complaining just being and breathing and going with the flow. Yesterday we drove by the house that's for sale but cars were in the driveway so we left but saw that it was surrounded by woods - its nice like that but it would mean not seeing as much sky - the moon rise - the sunrise - the sunset - all the magic that happens, the colors in the ever changing watercolor painting always inspiring with its mystery and beauty. All the windows in the house have views. On the second floor the bathroom has a big window where I feel like I’m among the trees high up. There are big windows in the bedroom too and in the summer I can see fireflies blinking their golden light here and there - its mesmerizing. I can see the moon rise with its trustee star next to it and if I’m up just before sunrise I can catch the deep pink and orange hues. All of this out the windows and there’s even a roof deck another flight up - way too many stairs in this house - so if I want the full effect - full immersion - I have to go up there where Im engulfed by it all - Ive gone into many a trance being up there during a full moon - gazing at it bringing me into a chant and dance - followed by laughter with Jim omg who am I?! And of course the skycaps being that high up are just magical. Laying in bed and being bathed in moonlight as it pours over me through the window is a dream come true. But sometimes I’m worried I got too much moon energy on me. Like Im already emotional and sensitive so add being steeped in moonlight and oh boy. Lioness. But the sky and water view provide and remind me of expansion - of the truth in myself - to remember to let go and become the reflection of this expansion. To become more like the sky - more like the water - to become comfortable in the infinite. I teach this practice in my meditation class and hearing myself say it week after week the seeds are being planted. So I thought, it’s ok if we stay where we are now and enjoy the views and sky and its also ok if we move and be surrounded by trees in the woods. It is this particular town in this particular state that I feel the most home I've ever felt. I’ve always felt a connection to this place my whole life and even in the darkest most painful times as a kid, I still was able to recognize the beauty, energy and comfort of this land. I always said even when I was really young - I love it here. This is heaven. And one day when I’m free of these people ( my family ) I can be here in peace on my own! And now that one day is here. Free of contact with any / all family. Done. Free at last thank GOD almighty Im free at last! MLK. We then drove with the intention of going to the park for a short walk since we were both so very tired and it was hot but on the way I saw another for sale sign for a house and there was an open house happening right then so I said lets go check it out. It was gorgeous. Could see the mighty Hudson River from the living room and yard - high ceilings and plenty of room to be and feel free. As we left a house I noticed one house over with a large property had the dreaded little yellow pesticides signs - meaning a very large area has been sprayed with toxic cancerous chemicals. So the million dollar house we just saw and loved became worthless to me - even less than that. It would be a place of upset and stress to be living next to and breathing in the toxic pesticides. And I thought …wow if u are looking to buy a home and you're a conscious person who keeps a clean lifestyle then its important to look in the summer so u can see and know if your neighbors are spraying pesticides. Almost everyone I know who lives next to people who spray pesticides on their property has cancer. On we went towards the park still tired and now thirsty - so we pulled over and got water at a market in town. Walking back to car I felt I wanted to turn around and go home so we did. Chilled out in the AC then headed back to town to see Mohammed the upholsterer to pick up fabric samples for our chair. He’s 80 he’s got cancer and recently had a heart attack while he was in Columbia visiting at the time it happened. He said the health care he received was far superior to what we have in this country. Fuck. I believe it. He is highly skilled at repairing and upholstering furniture so Im aware of my time to utilize his gifts. We got a ticket on our car but it was only 15 bucks and headed back home. I feel a million books in me a million podcasts and songs in me a million drawings and paintings and sculptures, a million sermons on practicing peace and having presence - I don’t know what to do with it all or where to put it. I shut down and get in bed and rest - but we watch some TV some baking shows - all the things I can not eat ever and then we watch a movie - a very intense movie about a Native Indigenous woman who was a famous singer but retired, however, she was being stalked and threatened by her former manager to keep performing so he could make money off her. She was tired and wanted to rest and peace out on her land - he found her and came after her with violence and beating. She knew he was watching her so she had set up traps for him and somehow in the most terrifying moments fearing her life as he was attacking her she got out and ran but was able to find presence enough to know where she had placed the traps and as she ran she led let him right too them, Boards with nails in them she covered in earth - he stepped right on them. I have to say in the past seeing this type of violence would have not been ok with me - I would have reacted probably yelled at Jim probably saying - what the fuck! Why are you playing this movie?! In our bedroom! How could you?! I would've replayed the fight scene and the violence over and over in my mind as my mind has done with scenes from my own life for all my life bringing back into it causing me to get stressed beyond and physically ill - but this time i noticed something different - i noticed my heart stayed steady - I was able to view what I had seen from a place women empowerment. There was no man rushing in to rescue her. She rescued herself. She faced the most demonic horrific evil and fought it herself. He was a white man a greedy sick twisted man representing the macro and micro abuse inflicted on indigenous people and on women globally. When I did feel the power of the violent scenes in me I breathed and brought myself into presence aware of the impact bringing myself into that feeling would have on me and how harmful it would be to my body. I breathed in love and out love - felt the bed under me - the pillow - I counted foods beginning with A then B then C then fell asleep. This morning after Jim left to teach Yoga I thought about what I wanted to include in my Guided Meditation class I call ~ Moving Meditation ~ and made a few notes - took a shower - noticed some inflammation on my shin - stayed calm and put ointments on it and I took Tylenol. Jim came home, picked me up and off we went to the Yoga studio in town where i hold my class. I love seeing these women - they are nurses and tired and stressed. They are so giggly and excited when I get there and we begin. They all went deep. At the end they came to and kept saying wow and saying how deep they went. One of the women, Christine was pinching and nudging her friend raising her eyebrows, like saying can u believe it?! Loved it. Loved seeing that. Jim saying that was amazing. And Liz telling me that all she saw was the painting I had done and printed out and gave her. I gave them all a copy. It was an honor and a joy honestly. I don’t even feel like I'm doing anything at all - just bringing them to the places I take and have taken myself over the course of my life to bring about presence, connection to spirit and peace in my body in my life.
Usonia to Utopia - Dinner Party
Goodmorning - slept - on and off b/c of temp and ac issues ( blowing in my face! ) but a good amount of deep sleep happened. Dreams happened. i remember being in a car traveling seeing property but trees had been cut around it and i wasn’t happy with that - I had created drawn / painted these cards and Jess, a person from my past showed up, looked at the cards, then made cards herself very similar to mine but bigger larger scale. Yes that’s her alright. As I traveled more i went thru an area of shoreline of beach with turquoise water. It was beautiful but lots of people in it - lots of children in it and i was irritated in the water trying to make my way past all these kids and then there were seals - many seals in my way and they started nipping at my ankles. Got even more stressed by this. Theres more of course but its so blurry now i cant make it out.
Before bed we saw a beautiful coral colored bird hanging out on vine on our bedroom window. Then another - a male cardinal with the most awesome mohawk - stunning. So close we could make out details we’d never seen or known about. I want to capture so much here in my writing - all the moments the magical moments of life when present for this experience. Yesterday was hot. Jim/Leo took car in and walked back - we ordered from grocery store for delivery - I was noticing how I wanted to create - the ideas coming for writing, music, standup, calling me to pay attention to them, tugging and my pant legs and heartstrings and how I dont have my own space to do it all in private and felt the familiar feeling of holding it in and waiting - not a good feeling. This house is not really conducive for me to have the perfect place to be without being interrupted. Ok note to self : I have to create that space. I later went upstairs to lay down - I had Jim play me some songs on his phone - like Straight From The Heart by Bryan Adams - Only You by Lionel Ritchie - One More Try - Timmy T and I found an oldie that was wow - Karen White Love Saw It . Omg brought me back! The gross DJ Don in NYC who made me the mix tape with that song on it - he was a coke head a porn addict and bent in half. He gave me some sob story about his mother throwing him out a window when he was a kid. Telling me how we are gonna do music together and I gave it up for him out of sympathy. How my no tolerance has blossomed after too many experiences hanging with giving my time to trash. But I was young and my behaviors were learned and taught. I heard so many times that i was worthless from my family I did dumb things. But wow here I am sober, present, healthy. Back to hearing Karen White…just amazing to hear the vocals the lyrics the emotion the talent. and bam I fell asleep hard and deep - Jim said I was snoring so loud and I slept thru lots of noise sirens etc...I was out of it when i got up for a long time but I showered and made my way downstairs to start cooking because Chris ( my friend and art therapist ) was coming over for dinner. Got the oven on and put side of salmon in and started on the salad while Jim started on the salsa and finding the right music. Then Jim gets a call from Laura his sister. Wow. I know Bobbi ( Jims mom ) spurred it on since I told her in out last convo of how its been years since we've heard from her. The phone call was really good for both of them - I told Jim to say and that I was crying tears of joy when he was leaving for Milwaukee and boy did she laugh - she knows we’re never apart and I always want alone time - I love her laugh - I love her and the time we spent together all those years ago. But she did not show up when we were down and never supported my music but u just gotta let the past go. Expectations go. Be the love Lyss Be the light. Be easy like the flowing stream. Easy like Sunday morning Lyss. Ha I remember that's Chris's ( Lauras husbands) favorite song. Then Chris ( my friend ) arrived - she called so I could move car up. When she came in she proudly handed me a cheese in brown paper wrapping - “Its from Spain!” and from the fancy cheese shop in town - I pulled salmon out of the oven and put the sourdough bread i seasoned and oiled in - got plates and began serving as things became ready. Chis and Jim went nuts for the the food - just a gorgeous spread to celebrate the weekend and our friendship - connection - life. We talked and talked - alot about me and the experience of the show I produced - how it felt - what was going on for me inside and outside myself - whether or not I want to do it again.....Chris said she was sorry we didn't come to her art opening and exhibit - that hit me because I wanted to go but didnt. There's going to be should’ves in life - its ok Lyss - keep flowing love. We talked about Hagit ( my friend in BC ) and how she had went unconscious and verbally attacked her partner and how I was able to talk/coach her thru what happened - why it happened and how to become present and aware so she can change these behaviors moving forwards and how I wrote it all out as a guide for her to follow and how I got a text from her that said “Just so you know, You saved my life.” and the meditation class Ive been teaching - we talked about art therapy and Nyack our town and moving vs. staying and appreciating what we have and being right in town - talked about the huge black water snake I saw at the lake that ate a fish right in front of me - how intense that was - how beautiful a creature - how sacred - about my visit to the voice doctor - how good it was and the good news I got about it being simply a weakness in the vocal fold and that I need vocal therapy to strengthen it - about my birth chart and that I have a unique aspect in it of protection via communication I’ve always had I tell Chris and she said Yes and u always will have protection - I feel it - i told her i do! I feel it - I'm a communicator - I made them laugh about the screaming that went on when I was a kid and then the phone ringing and mom answering with a singsongy ...hello? About me having these intense relationships in my life and its true relationships have always, for me at least, held an intensity and talking about it gave me a moment to reflect on that and why...was I born that way or was it because I had no safe home or relationship to family - i wasn't wanted and abused so I wanted to make sure I was seen heard and cared for out there and so that’s probably why i created or intense bonds happened with people - I had to keep myself safe and cared about by others - Talked about family - letting it go - how it feels...why did i do so?....She brought up Madeleine ( my niece ) and I just felt slightly triggered like pressure on a dam holding back a river.....but I recognized it and breathed - that's the key Lyss, recognizing it, becoming conscious of it, acknowledging it, and letting it go. The music was playing in the background - a collection of songs from my youth I always loved - songs that had comforted me and that I used to sing my heart out to - they provided an extra sensory perception in me - they took me back but held me in the moment - I was cradled in their comfort - felt soothed and wistful at once - they carried me thru my childhood - the songs the music my own voice soothing me singing listening feeling held and felt. Talked about how I cant help but write standup - its just there even if I dont want to perform again it just keeps coming!! Talked about me writing standup for Jim that I could even write him a one man show and how its fun for me and easy! He said Im like a rubix cube with his life story and how to tell it and spin it into great comedy and storytelling. Honestly - its true. We had an awesome time and at some point Chris announced she should get going. I hadn't thought of it but she was aware and said lets please do it again and we all agreed. It felt great to be together and talk freely openly and honestly - Utopia. I Went from Usonia to Utopia - the real version. So we got brought back to life a bit this morning from coffee and espresso - Jim did a huge pile of dishes and I started on cooking breakfast - we sat and enjoyed - just delicious. Life is delicious - our peaceful moments of existence are delicious. I then meditated and prayed. Moving flowing breathing glowing