At The Top

Yesterday we hiked up the mountain. At the top was warm blazing sun peace and snow. I took off my jacket then my sweater then my tank and the my bra. I stood there soaking up the warm sun - inviting it in to penetrate my skin and go deep within to my bones and to my soul. I feel so free I feel the wild child still so alive in me. Its my vacation from home that mountain top and its 5 minutes from home so I go on vacation almost everyday in a way. I love the cliffs the stones the diving hawks and eagles the sighting of foxes and the smell of minerals. It effects me Im transformed every time. I can feel a bigger larger sense of life on this planet feeling that Im standing on the earth and nothings crowding me. Im not a crowds kinda person. I love space. Just enough of it

Sound sculpting

Ive been going deep on the mix of my new song “AND I…” a new version. I have to find that right balance of all the sounds that’s gonna hit so right! Im in a vortex with it. Anyone reading this who knows the creative process knows that there are times u can get stuck and hone in too much on details. Writers artists musicians any and all creative artists. We all have been right here in a place of thinking we are almost there and it will be perfect if I change this but then it’s, oh wait this too needs to be changed! Then its, “oh why did I change that?! It was good just the way it was!” and on and on it goes… This has happened before with another song and also with crafting hour long stand-up comedy sets. I become a sculptor and Ive been here with this song sculpting it for 2 months which really is nothing but it's time for me to let it fly and yes I’ll say it - its almost there! Lol. I was talking to my friend Robby who I’ve made a lot of music with over the years. He’s in Germany now but is there for me when I need to talk thru things and coach me and today I needed him. He was there. His understanding of this situation was vast wide and deep. He broke it down for me. “Zoom out Lyss. The song is fucking great. You can tweek it forever but why injure your sanity over it.” We talked about my experience with it, what Im hearing I like and don’t like and how to know when to say when. The truth is some things are never done. Sometimes when a movie is so good Im mad it’s ended because I want to know more! What happens to this character and their relationships?! Why u leave me hangin like that!? But it’s art and there’s a beginning and an end because if not it can never be shared. Music and art and all my creative endeavors are emotional for me so here’s another chance to employ my tools of breath and patience with the process. Allow time and clarity trust the process. Ive been working on this song with my friend Scott at his studio in NYC. He and I have been working on my music since 2005 together. Ive created so much of my favorite music at his place I have so many wonderful memories of being there with him and musicians I’d bring in to play. Now when Im sitting next to him I see those moments the memories so alive the vibes are high and rich. Scott has been so patient and loving with me throughout this process of finalizing this song. We’ve never been down this road before since other songs came together so quickly but here we are and Ive emailed him texted him made online appointment sessions with him gone into the city (NYC) to sit with him so many times now and each time I listen back I hear something new. He gets it. He’s been nothing but patient. I said “Scott, Im starting to feel like Former Chief Inspector Dreyfus from The Pink Panther oh no! Hahahaha help!” He’s come back with kindness and understanding. “This happens Lyss. Take your time” My partner saying “You can do this just get what you want - what you are hearing You can do it You’ve done it so many times before” My friend Robby in Germany saying “I get it! But you can’t lose it sounds fucking great!” My vocal coach saying “Give yourself Grace.” I listen and let the song and the music to reveal what it needs to be in balance to me. Patience. Its not a race. No shame in letting it take the time it takes in making all the changes I make. Im in full gratitude this awareness. For being here now and able to make music and the list goes on and on. Last night I lay awake for a good long while somewhere in the wee hours my mind was active and I breathed trying to be the observer but then a poem came to me for my partner for Valentines day. It made me smile and I hoped Id remember it in the morning. After I got up had coffee some breakfast and did some steaming for my voice I remembered it vaguely but it was just enough to get me into the flow of it. I wrote the poem and just like that it was complete and I gave it to him. He loved it so much. He was so deeply touched and moved by it. It was my way to reflect back all the love he endlessly gives - it was from my heart and soul to his. But there was a greater lesson in it that’s sometimes it’s done. Its just enough and it needs nothing. That’s precious for me to recognize yes Lyss this process doensn’t define you as not being able to finish or decide on things at all Trust it Embrace it! Keep sculpting! A valentines day present for us both.

PRACTICING NON - ATTACHMENT

I’m more aware of old patterns and ways of responding now. Yesterday I had some guys here to move a glass table from downstairs to the top floor of my house. I was sitting in the living room and the guys and the table were below me. I was chillin out when I heard a huge crash. I knew immediately what happened. The top of my glass table had fallen and smashed. I was shocked and upset and I got emotional. My mom got me that table many years ago. I searched for it everywhere since it was discontinued and finally found one used on craigslist. My mom contacted the woman and drove there and moved the table herself with the woman’s help. They got it into her small Prius in two pieces, she paid for it then drove it up to me in the mountains of Western Mass where I was living at the time. It’s a beautiful table. Im not in contact with my mom for years now and Im better for it but hearing that glass shatter also shattered my heart in some way. It mattered to me the gesture the effort the intention and love that she put into getting this table to me. I started crying. I felt angry. I felt Id lost something precious beyond the table that can never be replaced. I cried to my partner and he said “I will get it replaced you will see I got this I will take care of it don’t worry.” I could see myself feeling and acting in old emotional ways and my higher self was watching and saying its only a table its just a piece of glass and it can be remade to fit the top. You’re ok your loving partner is ok your life is so blessed and you're thriving living your dreams right here right now. I began to hone in on this wisdom and listen to it and breathe into it. It was the old me and residual reactive stuff and I started saying Let her go Lyss. She is a part thats no longer serving you as u move into a less emotional more calm response - ability place - Goodbye to that part of me hello to calm deep peace part of me - to knowing me - to FAITH me - to healing me - Laughing me- Loving me - Healthy me. 

I got some deep amazing sleep that night. I dreamed about being with a tree or trees and my old friend Gina was there. In waking life we are no longer in touch. I tried to keep our friendship alive for years but she wasn’t as invested and I had to let her go. She was a high school psychologist a republican and a heavy metal drummer and a nutritionist with a Phd. We had some amazing times together. We were very close at one point she thought maybe we should be romantically involved. I was in a relationship at the time and even tho it wasn’t a good one I was there for it. We would go for long walks together with our dogs sometimes meeting in a blizzard and walking on ice in high winds sliding and falling down and hysterically laughing at each other and ourselves. We were so bundled up we didn’t get hurt but couldn’t see very well with all the snow and wind our hats and scarves up over our faces. Once we went for a walk and saw a little tiny turtle that was run over by a car and died. We picked it up and held a funeral for it right there on the side of the road saying a prayer and sending it to the light then burying it with leaves and sticks and stones. We had very deeply touching moments together. I get this dream because she introduced me to Thich Nhat Hahn the Buddhist Teacher and Monk. Maybe the biggest influence in my life. From him I learned how to live a life of presence and mindfulness I learned to meditate which has saved my life. She did that Its true and my soul knows it and Im so beyond grateful - also I was thinking about her that day and my other friend Gina who I loved who let our friendship go and all the other women Ive been incredibly close friends with and how their gone, But my subconscious soul self reminded me in this dream that yes she’s gone but she gave u a life altering gift that has saved my life and put me on a this path of meditation presence and peace. Then I see that they all gave me a gift. A safe place to sleep at night. Laughter sessions. Food. A shoulder to cry on. Hugs. Advice. Car rides and so much more at the most important times of need for me. In Buddhism there is the practice on non- attachment this is an integral part of the way to walk with peace on my path. Im aware of it and learning and reminding myself to just let go. Loosen your grip on all things Lyss. Allow things to be what they will. All things in life are impermanent. It’s a truth we all have to accept and soften into. My other practice is managing my expectations. I don’t even realize I have expectations until things turn out differently that what I was expecting that’s when I realize I had them. We are all on a path with different timelines for presence and awareness in our life. I keep on and must smile to myself and breathe. xo

ON The Other Side

Im thru to the other side of a massive flare. It’s like walking thru fire. I have felt like a pinball machine at times with flares bouncing around to different random parts of my body. Flares are inflamation and they can be severe and debilitating. I now know after so much experience and time having gone thru so many that the key is patience. Avoid doctors. I used to goto doctors and it was always the same they’d use threatening language intentionally to put me in a state of panic and fear. Over medicating over prescribing dangerous meds like biologics to shut down my immune system. They wanted to take away my power and strip away any sense of calm and and belief in myself and in the power of time. I used to listen especially before I began to meditate. I am glad I did. Im glad I had the experience with it when I did to know that world to see what its about the pros and cons etc… So much medication was so unessecery because so much of what I was experiencing was born from intense stress, intense emotions, and PTSD from an abusive childhood.

Having crohns and ankylosing spondylitis is interesting. They both come with so many extras and I got the tricked out all the bells and whistles versions so its amazing Im not on any medication. People are amazed by this. Ive had flares where Im not able to walk very well. Experiencing that amount of pain puts you in a very vulnerable place and I wanted to hide myself away many times but I have a strong spirit and Ive learned to let go of and move thru the shame and vulnerability of it and allow myself to be seen in that state. Ive learned there’s beauty in allowing yourself to be seen at your most vulnerable. So many people are struggling with something and hiding it. Ive been 90 pounds hardly able to walk and wrapped up in bandages from ulcers on my skin but here comes my spirit that pushed me up and out the door and out into the world. Ive had lots of gawkers. Once in a market in Ojai CA a woman threw her arms around me and hugged me so tight and said “Oh my God honey! Your amazing! You’ll be ok!” Once in a packed elevator a woman said “Your brave and strong and you’ll be ok sweetheart! I know it!” A few times when I took myself out for a walk people would pull over in their car and ask what’s wrong and telling me what an inspiration I am. I didn’t want the attention and it was so uncomfortable I felt very seen. I wanted to be left alone and “normal” but it’s ok.

Ive had my parter carry me into comedy clubs many times while on crutches unable to walk with a fever and again wrapped up from sores so I could get on stage do a set, kill it! and crawl back into my bed at home. Aside from standup ideas I hear music. I always have and regardless of what state Im in Ive always tried to get my song ideas down when I hear them - they seemed to come as messages to me from spirit from my highest knowing self as a way to be - as a knowing truth and a soothing tonic. Then Id have to figure out getting to recording studios, putting my musicians together teaching them the songs and on what coast…always finding a way despite it all. I look back in awe of how much Ive created in my deepest despair and challenges. Like my song “Laughter In The Distance” (Listen here) which I wrote while in the hospital on IVs when I was young. My amazing spirit stronger than my physical body my spirit has been teaching me from way back when to go beyond it all and honor the muse honor my creativity and this chance at life right here right now. I have angels conspiring on my behalf this I know. They’ve been leading me guiding me and protecting me. I have a hunch who they are.

Im so blessed in so many ways like to have a partner who’s seen me thru unimaginable states and come thru and now knows what’s in my highest and best interest - patience food water rest time and he’s all about it. Thankful for this! It’s been a leaning curve for both of us to navigate my health without involving doctors with what I eat drink and energy and people I engage with what I read and consumption of any media etc…we are careful now. Im always armed with tissue in the car and we are so in tune all I have to do is look at my partner and he knows ok I’ll pull over. What’s so amazing is when I reach the other side of it when the raging storm within passes and we both had faith and patience. I have many mantras like “Practice makes progress” and have tools I practice like movement Yoga walking and Meditation that allows me to be a calm presence in the eye of the storm of life. Peace is a practice. I have weathered many storms in my life of being homeless on drugs and alcohol having to find a safe place to sleep as a child be it a neighbors or friends house or the neighbors yard, health challenges hospitals doctors meds going to the light and so many accidents and broken bones and a fused spine ulcers all over and so much more and now Im again on the other side having survived it all and Im here now thriving ( Click here to listen to my song “Nowhere - Now Here)

Now when things arise I go deep into utilizing my tools and I say “Lyss go beyond the mind - go beyond the thought patterns of negativity of victim of all of it - Take yourself out of your mind and thoughts and goto the limitless expansion of the universe that u are - where in truth its all possible its already passed and healed beyond any expectation - allow for and invite creative flow grace ease peace joy play movement......release yourself and soar and flow into this place of limitless expansion Lyss, breathe love into every cell of your body and when your good and saturated with love begin to exhale that love back out into the world. See it see it going where its so needed into hospitals prisons into nature animals bodies of water and into the hearts and minds of people to create a conscious awakening and ultimately Universal Peace. I can see it. Im Manifesting it. Yes I am. I only manifest the best. I see things coming into alignment. I am already doing things and setting it a blaze with health and music and all creative endeavors ...affirmative.” New music coming soon its a journey like everything of value is. I’ll be sharing my new songs soon. Breath be with u ~ Peace b with u ~ xo

Grandmother

I saw an incredible movie the other night called Frybread Face. It was a simple story of a young boy who got dropped off at his grandmothers for a few weeks while his mom sorted out her divorce. It was a snapshot of a time and place in his memory. It was a celebration of this memory and a tribute to his grandmother as I saw it. A family of Native American / Indigenous peoples each so rich in character with so much depth. The Grandmother has been in my mind. Her posture so upright still calm and proud. Her weaving of rugs and the methods and meaning in them. Her acceptance of others in her family her wise words and open arms. I didnt have this. I had one grandmother who was a broken soul. She wore black and she was always holding her head in her hand. She had fled Austria while her parents and other family were sent to concentration camps and exterminated. She went blind and never spoke much to me at all except once in a while she would say, “Alyssa come give me a kiss” in her thick Greman accent. Before she went blind she would make me chicken and I used to talk about it in my stand up….She’d say…. I made you chicken mit butter und carrots mit butter und cake mit butter und shnitzel vis butter und butter vis butter …it was artery abuse. She was unaware of the physical and metal abuse her daughter, my mother, was inflicting on me and how I hurt in every way. My other grandmother was the wife of a mobster, my grandfather. She wasnt part of my life. Id see her very rarely at her house in Long Island. There was candy everywhere and she called me tootsie. She too ignored the criminal behaviors of her husband and also of her kids, my father. My father took me to see her in the hospital just before she died and all she said was…”Stop looking in the mirror. You’re beautiful”. And that was it. I wonder “why” alot about alot of things. I often just wind up saying to myself, return to your breath and let it go. The wisdom Ive longed for has come from the Native Indigenous peoples teachings Ive read about like all life being sacred. The wind, the moon, the sun, the directions, laughter, the animals, trees, all of it, sacred. And then Buddhism taught to me by Thich Nat Han. About returning to my breath, being present, looking deeply into all things, and learning to let go. I sometimes see him sitting in meditation next to me guiding me telling me to let it go. In these teachings I found my wise and loving “Grandmother”. I just wish I could feel her loving embrace. Years ago I drove across the country from NY to LA. I was excited to get to Flagstaff AZ and meet Indigenous people there. I thought I would meet someone there and they were going to tell me my name. I had never connected to my name since it was givin to me by a woman, my mother, who told me how much she hated me all the time. When I heard my name there was no love in it and no identity and fear. I thought I would meet a wise Indigenous person who would see me, feel me, and understood things about me and my spirit and I would be givin a new name. When I arrived I did see and meet Indigenous people however they were not in a good way. They were drunk or experiencing hurts of their own. I had this fantasy about it all but seeing the reality was sobering. I bought some gorgeous pottery there and got on my way. I cherish the pottery I got there, when I look at it I feel connected to the soul of it, to the beauty of it.Thich Nat Han said, “To know great joy is to know great suffering. To know great suffering is to know great joy.” Heres to those of us who are here trying to turn our suffering into something beautiful that brings joy. Peace xo

Round 2

After attending a puppy Yoga event we were notified by email that the organizer tested positive for Covid. My husband didn’t feel well two days later. And four days later I didnt feel well. Boom. Covid all over again. High fever exhaustion etc….my doctor offered me Plaxovid as I qualify but I didnt take it. I read about people taking it and having Covid come back even worse after. Omg. Come on! Whats wrong with everything?! Everyone?! The Wuhan Lab is still up and running creating and generating manufacturing deadly viruses. The fact that a place like this actually fucking exists is a testament to how ignorant violent and deranged human beings are which is clearly quickly destroying the Earth and all of life. Gods sacred creation - Mother Earth - animals - nature. Theres been no talk of shutting the lab down. No consequence. No arrests. Its just been shut up and take your shot! I never did tho. I was like “I’ll take the COVID” Im not interested in a rushed unknown substance with unknown side effects being injected into me or being told I have to do anything by anyone. People were pushing me to do it everyone I knew in fact but I had a feeling my immune system would do away with it and it did 3 times. The 3rd time I coughed once and cleared my throat and that was it.

Sometimes you just really have to laugh. Well Ive been laughing a lot. Amid all the pain from awareness on a micro level and macro level of what’s happening here I can still laugh. I think its been a survival thing for me in my life going all the way back to my earliest memories of the moments of laughter I had with my mom. Those moments were so precious to be with her in that energy of joy instead of fear of her. I always wanted to be laughing. I watched Inspector Cleaseu movies over and over with friends and laughed till we cried. There were so many funny movies to see as a kid in the late 70s and 80s, I cant name them all but what a rich time it was if you loved to laugh. Trading Places, Down And Out In Beverly Hills, and on and on. I’ve been doing standup for 30 years! Ive been in and out because Ive had so much music in me and had to record a few albums and health challenges kept me tethered to the bed but when I was able sometimes just barley I’d do stand up. It was the most natural thing in the world for me since Id been doing it my whole life - as a kid Id just tell my friends of the insanity that went on in my house all the awful things going on and it was met with hysterical laughter, then with therapists laughing, psychologists laughing, doctors, teachers….ok God I get it. As a teenager after seeing a standup comedy show I was like Oh! Ok! It was an AHHa moment like finally getting the right diagnosis and putting a name to a condition.

I had a laughing fit the other day…I don’t like to travel but I take online vacations. Right?! I’ll look up a a place Id like to travel to and read about it and look at pictures of it really explore it and 45 minutes later Im back home and had a good trip but happy to be back. Boom. Done. I was recently fascinated with a small area of Mexico called Tobasco - very rich in culture and history. It borders dense jungles and the hotel that I was checking out offered hikes in the jungle. They would also send u off on your own but they said they provide “shell phones for your safety.” Well that did it. When I read that I went into hysterics. I was screaming laughing till I was crying. This went on for a day and a half. until I finally calmed down. “Shell phones will be provided for your safety.”

I started getting into creating pie recipes with no flour no grains no eggs no dairy. Just almond meal crust pies some filled with wild blueberries and cranberries some with chocolate and some were pizzas. Friends and neighbors even friends of friends have been dropping off gorgeous organic home grown tomatoes cucumbers and more. I dont eat tomatoes because of how they affect my gut but I couldn’t resist these beauties. Heirloom tomatoes are stunning. And some are so big they look like Mother Natures beating heart. I can get very glutinous and yes yes i did. One bite of tomato led to slices and then it was every meal I made was covered in tomatoes. It caught up with me. Ow. But I took a step back after a few days of this and stopped. I then moved over to having cucumber which is another food I can’t eat. Nothing raw for me as my gut is so sensitive I have to cook my broccoli and things need to be warm. But again here are these gorgeous cucumbers so yeah there i go again and as of today …Im done! Ow. Again. Im enjoying crafting stand-up material, drawing, and manifesting. Thanks for stopping by! Peace and Health to All ! xo Lyss Fern

Becoming Cassandra

I wrote this a couple years ago. It was published in a small newspaper in Malibu CA. I wanted to share it here as I gather and collect things I still do have. Although I don’t smoke weed anymore I leave this in as its all a pure account of this experience. Hope u enjoy it.

Becoming Cassandra

Strong wind muscled its way into sounds of moaning through the small openings in the windows in my old house in The Berkshires. The gusts are strong since the house is on top of a mountain but aside from that, all is quiet. I have the task of learning my lines for the role I was cast in as Cassandra in Aeschylus’s version of Agamemnon. I find half a joint on the window sill in my kitchen, take a puff, and exhale a small plume of smoke. I take my script upstairs with me into my bedroom, get comfortable, and begin to meditate on this character. I read over the lines, the intensity of her psychic visions, pleading, and hysteria. I know her. I feel her. She lives within me. I love her and must honor her voice. I close my eyes and breathe deeply in and deeply out as I imagine her. I imagine me as her. I begin to see me as her. I breathe deeply in and deeply out. I start to see the heights of emotion I need to reach to do this woman justice, to convey her desperate message. “Earth! Oh Earth!”, “Apollo!” I see myself on stage in a plain white dress with an open back and strings that tie behind my neck to hold my breasts up. I have been held prisoner and used as a sex slave - part of my punishment for not desiring Apollo as he did me. I see my uncombed hair falling around me blown into knots, coated with salt from the sea air and the hot breath of men that use my body for their pleasure. My skin taught with semen, salt, and blood from fighting while being raped. Im wild on adrenaline and exhausted. I breathe deeply in and deeply out. My vision getting sharper. I feel the rage. I feel her tears. I see her against the the black backdrop of the stage in the spotlight. I get her. I am her. I breathe again, put down the script and smile.

Day one of rehearsal and I’m off book. The hot and listless surge of emotion boiled up from every corner of my being - so happy to have the words for it. So tasty and satisfying were the words to match such emotional heights. On the night of the performance in the moments until I spoke, I meditated on stage. I brought fourth to mind the memories the awful memories - ingredients from my internal kitchen - each memory adding spice and flavor till I was stewed and marinated in their juices. The words called out of my heart and hit the audience like arrows. I am Cassandra. I am saying goodbye to these sickening psychic visions Apollo has cursed me with only to be dammed by others disbelief. I see my bloody death. I have been raped and taken as a sex slave. I know too much. I scream out my lines with a lump in my throat holding back the tears of rage and frustration until the last moment when I say goodbye to my life. My performance is met with thunderous applause. I’ve not known many things as satisfying as the gift of becoming Cassandra.