I’m more aware of old patterns and ways of responding now. Yesterday I had some guys here to move a glass table from downstairs to the top floor of my house. I was sitting in the living room and the guys and the table were below me. I was chillin out when I heard a huge crash. I knew immediately what happened. The top of my glass table had fallen and smashed. I was shocked and upset and I got emotional. My mom got me that table many years ago. I searched for it everywhere since it was discontinued and finally found one used on craigslist. My mom contacted the woman and drove there and moved the table herself with the woman’s help. They got it into her small Prius in two pieces, she paid for it then drove it up to me in the mountains of Western Mass where I was living at the time. It’s a beautiful table. Im not in contact with my mom for years now and Im better for it but hearing that glass shatter also shattered my heart in some way. It mattered to me the gesture the effort the intention and love that she put into getting this table to me. I started crying. I felt angry. I felt Id lost something precious beyond the table that can never be replaced. I cried to my partner and he said “I will get it replaced you will see I got this I will take care of it don’t worry.” I could see myself feeling and acting in old emotional ways and my higher self was watching and saying its only a table its just a piece of glass and it can be remade to fit the top. You’re ok your loving partner is ok your life is so blessed and you're thriving living your dreams right here right now. I began to hone in on this wisdom and listen to it and breathe into it. It was the old me and residual reactive stuff and I started saying Let her go Lyss. She is a part thats no longer serving you as u move into a less emotional more calm response - ability place - Goodbye to that part of me hello to calm deep peace part of me - to knowing me - to FAITH me - to healing me - Laughing me- Loving me - Healthy me.
I got some deep amazing sleep that night. I dreamed about being with a tree or trees and my old friend Gina was there. In waking life we are no longer in touch. I tried to keep our friendship alive for years but she wasn’t as invested and I had to let her go. She was a high school psychologist a republican and a heavy metal drummer and a nutritionist with a Phd. We had some amazing times together. We were very close at one point she thought maybe we should be romantically involved. I was in a relationship at the time and even tho it wasn’t a good one I was there for it. We would go for long walks together with our dogs sometimes meeting in a blizzard and walking on ice in high winds sliding and falling down and hysterically laughing at each other and ourselves. We were so bundled up we didn’t get hurt but couldn’t see very well with all the snow and wind our hats and scarves up over our faces. Once we went for a walk and saw a little tiny turtle that was run over by a car and died. We picked it up and held a funeral for it right there on the side of the road saying a prayer and sending it to the light then burying it with leaves and sticks and stones. We had very deeply touching moments together. I get this dream because she introduced me to Thich Nhat Hahn the Buddhist Teacher and Monk. Maybe the biggest influence in my life. From him I learned how to live a life of presence and mindfulness I learned to meditate which has saved my life. She did that Its true and my soul knows it and Im so beyond grateful - also I was thinking about her that day and my other friend Gina who I loved who let our friendship go and all the other women Ive been incredibly close friends with and how their gone, But my subconscious soul self reminded me in this dream that yes she’s gone but she gave u a life altering gift that has saved my life and put me on a this path of meditation presence and peace. Then I see that they all gave me a gift. A safe place to sleep at night. Laughter sessions. Food. A shoulder to cry on. Hugs. Advice. Car rides and so much more at the most important times of need for me. In Buddhism there is the practice on non- attachment this is an integral part of the way to walk with peace on my path. Im aware of it and learning and reminding myself to just let go. Loosen your grip on all things Lyss. Allow things to be what they will. All things in life are impermanent. It’s a truth we all have to accept and soften into. My other practice is managing my expectations. I don’t even realize I have expectations until things turn out differently that what I was expecting that’s when I realize I had them. We are all on a path with different timelines for presence and awareness in our life. I keep on and must smile to myself and breathe. xo